I talk to my family on the phone quite often, so I found it easiest to do the listening exercise by calling my mother when I had some free time, and just talked.
I found that I often listened the best when I was either particularly interested in something, or when I wasn't doing something else. Sometimes if I was trying to focus on multiple things at once, I would miss bits of the conversation. This is when most of the 'mirroring' occurred. If I was closely paying attention or particularly interested in a specific topic, I would ask about it. The parts where I would really start to drift off was near the end, when I realized there wasn't really much else to say, and my mother would either start repeating earlier things or just not talk as much- this is also when I would think of something else to say (ie: "preparing a response" to fuel the conversation). Every time this starts to happen (not just during the long conversation, any time) is usually when I ask if there's anything my mother hasn't mentioned, or if there was anything else. I can tell that she doesn't really want to stop talking, but realizes there isn't anything else to say (I suppose all parents are like this to an extent). I never really paraphrased anything though, that just seems redundant to me. They know what they said, I don't believe that they would want to hear it said again. I never really got silence much either, except near the end when there wasn't much to talk about, and I knew the problem then. We talk quite regularly, so it can be somewhat difficult to have 45 minutes of original conversation.
With agreement/disagreement, it didn't really come up much since we just discussed what was going on at the time. The only major thing was me walking home after an exam- I didn't think it was worth waiting 20 minutes for a bus to cover a distance that I can walk in less, and she disagreed. I can see her point of not wanting to walk at night, but waiting at a somewhat desolate bus stop at night is not a prime situation either. Building on the conversation always happens; one of us points out something the other didn't mention, for whatever reason. Comparing is the same for something like an argument, for me anyway. I look at both sides and see pros/cons of each, like walking or riding the bus at night.
Overall, I learned that I often don't listen as well as I could, and that it could be improved upon. I also learned that I used all of the listening tools on the list except for paraphrasing, which I don't really see the point of anyway. The only time I suppose it could be useful is when you're double checking an order or assignment from your boss or teacher, in which case you would want to be sure of what you heard. I believe I could improve by having conversations when I am not trying to do something else or am busy- this would allow me to focus more on what is being said, and actually listen more intently.
Brandon,
ReplyDeleteIt seems as if you don't like paraphrasing very much because it seems redundant. I'd have to disagree with you. I feel that paraphrasing can be one of the most powerful skills to master especially as an engineer. As with an order as you mentioned, engineering projects usually need to be exactly what the customers wants otherwise they'll get mad and not by your product. By putting their ideas into your own words to double check with them about what was said, you can commonly find very important lacks of understanding in conversations. At least that's what I've experienced. Mirroring, on the other hand, is the part of conversations that I don't full understand the point of.
Also, it seems like your biggest problem isn't not listening due to formulating responses but due to simply not being interested. Perhaps asking different or better questions could help you in this regard. If you're genuinely interested in what the person has to say, it can be hard to get distracted by outside elements. That said, I do understand that sometimes parents can rattle on and on about rather boring stuff and cutting them off would be rude.
- Josh Holat
I feel like this wasn't the best grafting of a conversation that would take place in a professional environment, so drawing conclusions in that regard may prove to be poorly founded. However, from an emotional intelligence standpoint it seems like your disinterest is the biggest things hindering truly unencumbered communication. If you aren't paying enough attention to what your mom is saying it can certainly become difficult, as you noted, to keep a conversation going. Likewise, if you aren't really fully engaged, you may not realize the need to paraphrase/summarize what has been said in the conversation. However, in many personal level conversations that are fairly straightforward (like how one's week was, etc.) I see your point that reiterating the discussion can be silly.
ReplyDeleteWhen talking to your parents, maybe it would be helpful to step outside or remove yourself from an area with lots of distractions. I usually go outside my dorms because no one is there and the tv/computer can't distract me. Doing this may help you focus, but it also shows to the person on the other end of the line that you really want to know what they have to say. If the person hears a lot of noise or side conversations going on, it can give them the impression that you don't care about what they are saying.
ReplyDeleteI think you talk to your parents differently then other people. You have talked to them all of your life, and have always, well mostly, tried to give them respect. I think this sets them apart and under a different type of communication. Therefore, I'm not sure if this would apply so well to a work environment. I'm sure you won't talk to your co-workers like you would your mom. So don't dwell too much on your findings here. Personally I believe you will find paraphrasing to be a very powerful tool later on.
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